The Hide & Seek of the Heart

  This post began a long time ago, namely back in May.  Here is what I had, and once you get to the end, I'll launch into part two starting today, the last day of July 2011.


  I've been feeling a little emotional lately.  I think part of it has to do with this cleanse, which is incredibly fulfilling but definitely releases emotion as toxins leave your body.  The other part of it has to do with my heart.


  Which gets me thinking about the heart in general.  Love, more specifically.


  I've witnessed several romantic ironies and issues in (my and) my friends' lives.  I've already waxed on self love (although there may be future posts regarding how we can romance ourselves).  What about love for others and their feelings for us?


  I've heard so many of my friends (male and female) complain about the "unrealistic" expectations that disney movies set up for us.  We're raised on fairy tales and love at first sight with no sign of issues between romantic partners, so we expect that we should have some grand romance of our own.  Snow White is resurrected by true love's kiss and is carried away by a handsome prince on a white stead into a pool of light, broken only by the outline of a statuesque castle in the distance.  As we begin to grow, we realize that will we actually be carried off into a literal bright future?  Eh, probably not.  But there's still the idea of walking into a room, seeing someone, and the room stopping.  You're familiar with the image I'm sure: eyes meet, everything freezes, sparks ignite, fireworks explode, blushing and flushing ensue etc.  Do you think this is possible?


  Pssssst, guess what.  It IS possible.  It's happened to me.  It remains one of my dearest memories to this day, despite the fact that the person ended up being a poor match (much to my dismay).  It took me a little while to heal my heart, but that's a different story! In any case, the negative part is the subject matter you don't see often in the cartoons, if at all.  What are the chances that Cinderella finds out the Prince is dishonest or chews with his mouth open?


  I could go on and on about these things, but I'm pretty sure you've gotten the gist of what's been said so far.  We all want epic love (or at least I do!) and to maintain that emotional high.  It can be intense, it can be energy sapping, it can be incredible, and it can be energizing!  But I digress from the original inspiration and intent for the direction of this post.


  I had a few moments this week that brought me to an interesting revelation that has proven to me that our hearts like to play a little hide and seek from time to time.  Do our hearts literally go find a new place in our bodies to hide while we try to fish them back out without dying?  No.  Sounds a little gross and morbid, doesn't it?  


  ...and that was as far as I got.  Fast forward a couple of months to July/August.  Interesting that this is something I'm still mulling over in my brain.  I have several large life changes coming my way.  Did you ever play Mariokart on the Ninendo 64?  If you haven't (and even if you have) please forgive me using Super Mario as a descriptive example of the metaphorical tectonic shifting in my near future.  I'm feeling a bit like the final course.  YES Mario fans, Rainbow Road!  You are racing the other players on this crazy up and down path.  It's composed of rainbow strips in vibrant hues, and in addition to the crazy things other players can leave in your path (little icons that make you explode, banana peels to slip on, things to trip you up, etc) there are these giant bomb things on chains that make you fly in the air and completely halt you for a good ten seconds.  So, those things are the things that hinder you.  Then there are the things that help you.  You can possess these aforementioned objects to drop and throw at passers by (if you so choose).  The kicker in all of this is I'm pretty sure in this level it's impossible to forfeit by throwing yourself off the edge of the track; the game keeps you there.  Does this sound like life, yet?  There are unavoidable obstacles in your path that you must negotiate, and there are people that may or may not choose to use objects (words, stories, confrontations) against us, just as we may choose or not choose to do the same.  There are also points in this level where you cross a square and you get a huge boost of speed, thrusting you ahead as fast as your little wheels can carry you into the abyss.  Okay okay, it's not the abyss, it's Mariokart, but you get my drift.  I feel poised at that moment.  I'm a few squares behind the speed booster and before I know it I'm going to be shooting ahead into a new space in my life.  And honestly, it's kind of scary!


  Those of you who are particularly close to me know I didn't have the best experience in my undergrad (let's make that quite a vast understatement) and I'm a hot second from jumping back into academia.  I've been uncomfortably yet familiarly settled into a period of transition this last year and a lot of things have happened. I found my way to healing (or beginning to heal) some very deep personal wounds.  I found a new artistic community.  I found a passion for nutrition, fitness, and self compassion (still working on all of those things).  I lost thirty pounds.  I rediscovered my voice and rekindled my joys in life, conquered some fears, and remembered what it feels like to laugh out loud.  I've been home with my Mom (who is incredible and one of the strongest women I've ever had the privilege of knowing, let alone being raised by) and it's time for me to have a place of my own again.  It may sound melodramatic, but after having been seriously depressed for much of my undergrad, having beaten that depression I feel like it's time to not just rejoin the living, but to ENJOY life!  That's what this period of transition was for, and it's been successful.


  That being said, the accompanying vulnerability is a little daunting.  I've grown to find Vulnerability and my ability to access it comforting.  Quite frankly that's part of our job as performers.  We analyze the human condition so we can reveal it through people that we create--we quite literally become other human beings on stage, lifting these souls off of papers and manuscripts for the world to see and learn from.  When we audition for the opportunities to find these characters that will temporarily inhabit us, we take risks.  We open ourselves to possible judgments and applause.  I find the process of auditioning positive and exciting, but this vulnerability is a tad different from our every day vulnerabilities...or is it?  The secret here is that we all take risks, but in a way it's easier to take them as someone else.  Why else do people drink for courage or date using online technology?  Doing these things convinces us that the stakes aren't as high.  That's one reason I've never been fond of drinking.  I know it can be fun socially, but I like finding experiences to grow from, may it be approaching a man and asking for his phone number or auditioning for Juilliard to continue my education.  As my Father says, if we didn't fear things, we wouldn't be brave.  And taking risks can help us to cultivate a more rational response to our emotions.  As my Father also says, "If I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be the Queen of England, am I?"


  So I guess what I'm saying through this egocentric self examination is that fear can be good.  I'm moving to a new town, embarking on a new degree, opening myself up to new goals and experiences, and am bound to meet new colleagues and friends.  In my personal experience, these times of vulnerability are the times we learn the most about ourselves as people.  Why do you think being in our twenties sucks so badly?  For those of you out of the twenties?  KUDOS!  I hear once you hit thirty things really look up in terms of saying bye bye to adolescent angst and other things that seemed very important at the time, but now really just don't matter anymore.  I'm beginning to find that already in that I could care less about rumors and others' bad behavior (I know me, you know you, you don't know me nor I you.  Why should our opinions of each other alter who we feel we are as people?).  Interesting that my closest friends trend toward thirties and forties (except my lovelies Ashley, Reinet, and Marybeth!).


  So in an effort to wrap this up and marry my rant to my earlier musings on the heart, here we go: we think we know what we want, and we seem to feel we know what to avoid.  But in the long run, sometimes we find what the heart has been seeking all along by taking risks and diving head first into our vulnerability rather than running from it.


  Life is not always easy, nor is it always kind (at least the people and experiences we encounter may not be).  So, great, you say, freakin GREAT!  Life STINKS!  But take a moment and flip back through your brain's scrapbook of experiences and think of all of the obstacles you've tackled.  Relive those moments where you thought you could never do what you accomplished.  Whether it be public speaking, proposing to your wife, running a marathon or applying for that promotion?  These things take real bravery, my friend.  We are life warriors.


  Life can be hard, but I truly believe with every fiber of my being that we are here to love each other.  There are moments I've been alone and suddenly felt a great sense of Love.  I felt like someone, somewhere, really and truly loved me.  And the moments when it's been tangible have more than eclipsed any given period of depression or suffering I've experienced.  Isn't it funny how that works?  What that means to me, is that Love (whether you view it as a deity, feelings for each other, whatever) is infinitely more powerful and grand on any scale than negativity or badness.  People who suffer are playing hide and seek with their hearts.  If we loved ourselves and each other with a little more compassion and were a little less trained to avoid our own vulnerability, I think we would move on from hide and seek to embrace and cherish.


  Much love to you all; thanks for bearing with me.


  Namaste.